I don't have a chance to post much anymore but I wanted to take a quick study break and work through a little dilemma I am having.
Mostly right now I am thinking to myself, "is this what I want, is this the place I worked so hard to get to?" This usually happens right before my tests where I literally spend 16 hours a day studying. I work to memorize the sublte nuances that differentiate neuropathic and decubitous ulcers staring at some of the most disturbing images I have ever seen (if you want to know what I am looking at, and you aren't too squemish, do a Google image search of necrotizing fascitis). I think to myself that I really love music and I could have developed that talent. I remember really liking my business marketing classes. According to my standardized tests I appear to be all right at English, maybe I should be an author. In fact most of my life experiences tell me that I am much better at the creative, artistic subjects and that my hard sciences and math are weak comparatively. For some reason, though, I have been stubborn and focused on science for the past six years.
Then I look at most of the people I know that are getting paid to work and I am incredibly jealous. My friends are going on vacations, some of them to other continents. The people I went to school with are getting promotions, buying homes, evaluating stock options, contributing to retirement funds, developing talents, coaching little league teams, watching movies in theaters, going on hikes, and the list goes on and on. I study, spend a little time with my family, and run with my dog. That is my whole life. Every once in a while Melanie and I go out to eat or rent a movie, which is a nice break in the routine but I get burnt out. So I ask myself, “is this what I want, is this what I signed up for?”
It is a weird emotion, I have wanted to be a medical student for so long. It was a secret dream. When I was in college I wouldn’t tell everyone I wanted to be a doctor because I didn’t want to be embarrassed when I didn’t get accepted. Becoming a medical student was such a high dream, I was living on the philosophy that it is better to shoot for the stars and miss then aim for the ground and hit. So I told everyone I wanted to be a pharmacist or a teacher. I never thought I would make it; so many people told me that I didn’t have a chance. So I worked so hard, and I prayed so hard, and I got so lucky, and here I am. Now I have the audacity to ask, “is this what I want?”
I am so thankful for my little family because they help me see that this is what I want. I often ask Melanie at night before bed if she is happy with this life. She never hesitates, she smiles and tells me, “ of course.” Even little Grace supports me, all she wants is for me to play with her a little bit, and once I come home she needs me to stay home. I can be studying in another room just as long as she knows I am still in the house. If I try to walk out the door she throws a little fit. Then my dog Carmen doesn’t let me take my life too seriously. When I start getting frustrated with what I am studying she usually brings me a ball or puts her head in my lap. We go on our runs at night and she treats me like I am some sort of celebrity every time I come home.
I would be lying if I said that I love medical school, but I do love what it is helping me become. My life is close to perfect; it is just this med school thing that gets me down every now and again, and I know I can get through it. So when I question whether or not I want this, I know that I want this life. So I should get back to studying, thanks for reading my internal dialogue as I convince myself to get back to work, I have a lot of work to do.